


One small secret that's bugging you

by yourbuttervoicedbeau (kiwiana)



Series: Songs from the Jukebox [Prompt Fills] [47]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Crack, M/M, Masturbation, Not really but that tag belongs in spirit I think, POV Patrick Brewer, Patrick is still Figuring Things Out lol, Patrick's sex spreadsheet, Patrick/spreadsheets is the true OTP, Pre-Relationship, Stop giving me crack concepts I clearly can’t be trusted, because... twitter says that's a tag now, the inherent eroticism of well-crafted spreadsheets, which is the greatest gift AO3 could give me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:08:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26543437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiwiana/pseuds/yourbuttervoicedbeau
Summary: Patrick blinks awake, the beeping of his alarm shrill in his ear. He leans over to slap it quiet as the details of the dream flood through him.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Series: Songs from the Jukebox [Prompt Fills] [47]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1775569
Comments: 42
Kudos: 205





	One small secret that's bugging you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Januarium](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Januarium/gifts).



> Me: Autocorrect just changed “just running names through a spreadsheet” to “just running naked through a spreadsheet” and I know we all joke about Patrick’s Sex Spreadsheet but that might be going a BIT far.  
> Januarium: Please write Patrick having a sex dream about a spreadsheet.
> 
> I... don’t know what you expected, friend.
> 
> Written on my phone, unedited etc. 
> 
> Title is from Jonathan Coulton.

The sunlight is streaming in through the windows of Rose Apothecary and bouncing off the hardwood floors, but Patrick has his laptop angled on the counter in such a way that the glare doesn’t hit the screen. David is nestled in next to him so that he can see the numbers, so close Patrick can smell his aftershave. David is a tactile person, Patrick has learned, and he’s slowly become accustomed to having another person so blatantly putting themselves in his space. 

Patrick has always considered himself to have a pretty wide personal bubble but somehow, with David, he doesn’t mind. He doesn’t mind the casual touches, or the brush of an elbow against his as they pass each other in the stockroom, or the way David is practically plastered against Patrick’s side as Patrick takes him through the spreadsheet he’s set up for the vendors. 

It is, if he says so himself, a thing of beauty. He did think he was setting it up just for himself, but his new business partner is showing much more of an interest in the business side than Patrick initially predicted. It shouldn’t be surprising, really — David _was_ originally planning to do this by himself, after all — but still, Patrick finds himself paying as much attention to the singular focus on David’s face as the inner workings of the spreadsheet are explained to him as he is on doing the explaining. 

David turns to face Patrick as Patrick is looking at him, the movement bringing them nose to nose. Patrick feels, inexplicably, a little warm under his collar as David just gazes at him for a long moment, eyes full of something Patrick can’t name, but he doesn’t look away. Finally, David opens his mouth and—

Beeps?

Patrick blinks awake, the beeping of his alarm shrill in his ear. He leans over to slap it quiet as the details of the dream flood through him. 

Well, not a dream, really. A memory. That happened yesterday, in the store (well, apart from David emitting his alarm clock sounds, of course; what he’d actually asked was a question about using the data to predict future stock requirements). Why on earth would his brain decide to recreate a spreadsheet training session?

Patrick rolls onto his back, and then that question is chased away in favour of a much more pressing one: why the fuck did it make him _hard?_ Patrick has never been an overly sexual person, and he can’t remember the last time he woke up with an erection this... insistent. It was probably when he was going through puberty. 

He should get up, get in the shower. He could take care of this there; it would probably be easier. But the smallest possibility of running into Ray in the hallway with his pyjama pants tenting obscenely is enough to take that option off the table, and so instead he tugs his pants and underwear down past his thighs before taking himself in hand. 

And he feels it _everywhere._ Sparks dancing up his spine, heat curling low and insistent in his belly, his chest and neck flushed with need. This is not the utilitarian, stress relief jerking off he’s used to; this is primal, almost overwhelming. He leans into it, swiping his thumb along the head of his cock to spread some of the precome pooling there before he starts to stroke himself, nice and slow. 

His mind wanders back to the dream. Which is... weird, okay, Patrick can admit it’s weird. He tries not to overthink it, just lets the scene play out in his head over and over as he touches himself, twisting a little on the upstroke as he catches his lips between his teeth, trying not to make any noise. He’s spiralling up, up, and with his free hand he reaches down to tug lightly on his balls and then he’s choking back a moan as he comes so hard his head actually starts pounding, as though all the blood rushed away from it so quickly it couldn’t cope. 

It’s the hardest he’s ever come in his goddamn life, and it feels _amazing._ As the post-orgasm clarity sets in, though, the euphoria is washed away by a deep-seated embarrassment as he realised he just had a truly phenomenal orgasm over a _goddamn vendor spreadsheet._

That’s it. He has _got_ to get out more. 

Maybe he’ll ask Ray if there are any good hiking trails nearby, he thinks as he peels his now sticky undershirt over his head. Hopefully that will clear his mind.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Come and find me on [Tumblr](http://yourbuttervoicedbeau.tumblr.com/)..


End file.
